Vivian Divine is Dead

Vivian Divine Is Dead

Rating: 1 Star

Synopsis via Goodreads:

Filled with surprising twists and poignant moments, Lauren Sabel brings a fresh new voice to contemporary fiction with Vivian Divine Is Dead. Creepy, clever, funny, and romantic.

When a death threat arrives with teen celebrity Vivian Divine’s fan mail, Vivian has no choice but to go on the run to Mexico. She soon discovers, though, that her Oscar-nominated performance killing villains on-screen did nothing to prepare her for escaping a madman in real life. Some people say he’s a hero, others tremble in his presence, but one thing is clear: he won’t stop until Vivian is in his grasp. Why didn’t she pay more attention during those judo lessons for her role in Zombie Killer?

Vivian finds an ally in the mysterious and charming Nick. He is everything Hollywood boys are not-genuine, kind, and determined to see Vivian for who she really is. But even he seems like he can’t be trusted-what could he be hiding?

Beat up, hungry, and more confused than ever about who she’s running from, Vivian is living in a real-life blockbuster horror flick. But there’s no option to yell “cut” like there is on set….

Lauren Sabel’s Vivian Divine Is Dead is a creepy, witty, fast-paced adventure about family, fame, and having the courage to save yourself.

Allow me to reiterate a part of that synopsis: “Filled with surprising twists and poignant moments . . . fresh new voice to contemporary fiction . . . Creepy, clever, funny, and romantic.”

Yeah, soooo . . . this was utter crap.

I usually try to find some kind of redeeming factor in the books I read. I’ve read some horrid crap, too. But this was just ridiculous. I gave up not even halfway into the novel, skimming my way through the rest because (1) the plot is so ridiculously simple that even by skimming you can easily understand everything that’s going on and (2) I just stopped giving a hoot.

Vivian is not the worst protagonist I’ve ever read. No, really, she isn’t. Yes, there are worst out there. Shocking, I know.

First off, spoiler alert: Vivian Divine does not actually die.

Pity.

Let’s talk about Vivian Divine. She’s a sixteen-year-old girl who had her famous actress of a mother who died by mysterious circumstances and a very famous father who is also a director. Vivien is the offspring of these two powerhouses and is, of course, also an actress. An Oscar award winning actress.

Then she gets a death note. Well . . . not really a note, per say, but a video of her mother’s report about how she died, but instead of her mother, it’s about Vivian. Oh, the horror!

So her personal body guard, Mary, screams bloody murder like any professional body guard should in the face of danger (WTF?!?) and tells Vivian that no, she should not go to the police, BECAUSE THEY CANNOT BE TRUSTED (OBVIOUSLY), and that the rational thing to do in this situation would be to hop on a bus alone and go down to Mexico, where she does not speak a lick of Spanish and has never actually been on her own before.

I WONDER HOW THIS IS GOING TO GO.

Of course, as fate would have it, Vivian gets her bag stolen with everything in it, and has to put her trust in a bigoted, cruel boy WHO IS ALSO FREAKIN’ HOOOOTTTTT. Because what’s a girl to do, right? She’s hungry, tired, and doesn’t know what to do. FEED ME PEASANT.

The boy – Nick – is also – how to say this? Oh, wait, I know! – a complete ass. Because he’s Spanish and she’s American, and of course that must mean she is the devil’s span. Because she must have a rich Mommy and Daddy and the oh-so perfect life Hollywood likes to portray in their films, right?

Excuse me, kid, I think not.

Is Vivian annoying, petty, and – yes, I’ll admit it – a rich little girl who’s never had to lift a finger? Darn right she is.

BUT THIS BOY OVER HERE.

I wish to smack him in the face and take a good punch to his man-area.

Oh, and just to make matters worse – INSTA-LOVE ALL AROUND PEOPLE.

Vivian and Nick at first sight: I HATE YOU RICH, GOOD-FOR-NOTHING AMERICAN GIRL. I HATE YOU TOO FILTHY BOY WHO MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE STOLEN MY BAG. FEED ME PEASANT!

Five seconds later:  OMG YOU ARE SOOOOO HOOOOOTTTTT. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY PLEASE TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF. BLUSHING EVERY FIVE SECONDS. ABBBBBBSSSSSSS. I LOVE YOOOUUUUUUUUU. ABBBBBBBSSSSSS.

For the love of all that is holy.

DIE A PAINFUL DEATH.

Another part from the synopsis: “Lauren Sabel’s Vivian Divine Is Dead is a creepy, witty, fast-paced adventure about family, fame, and having the courage to save yourself.

Because they don’t sound better. Not at all.

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Filed under 1 star books

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